Ugly Office Sweaters

Here’s another lovely office holiday party. I get what the ladies are going for here, but what about the gentleman? He looks kind of awesomely retro - like a character in a community theater production of  The Crucible. I hate to lump him in with the “ugly”!

Okay, I’m going to pretend this photo was just submitted and that I haven’t sat on it for 2 months…but seriously has your sweater gone away for the summer? Mine hasn’t! Overzealous air-conditioning keeps it hanging around. Summer office fashion staples include both sandals AND sweaters so there’s a decent chance Bob might keep his sweater at the ready for intemperate office climes.

Thanks to everyone who attended Friday’s Ugly Office Sweater Bar Crawl. We had a great time, met some great people and wore some not-so-great sweaters. During the Crawl, our group put together a helpful glossary of common Ugly Office Sweaters terms that you’ll surely see in the months to come.

Argyle: A common pattern of Ugly Office Sweaters.
Bill Cosby Sweaters: ugly, expensive sweaters worn by rich men and football coaches.
Button Down: A large man’s button-down shirt is another Ugly Office “Sweater” option.
Cardigan: The most common form of Ugly Office Sweaters. Cardigans allow the wearer to still show the attractive outfit underneath.
Cashmere: This expensive fabric doesn’t seem cheap enough for Ugly Office Sweaters, but cashmere sweaters are generally of the timeless styles that are plain enough to work with most outfits.
Christmas: Inspired by embroidered visions of sugar plums and appliques of Mrs. Claus, Ugly Christmas Sweater parties are getting more and more popular. With this site, we hope to make Ugly Office Sweaters just as popular.
Donegal: Irish Donegal sweaters make great Ugly Office Sweaters because they’re oversized and usually come in neutrals like gray & tan.
Elastic Band: While many sweaters have elastic band bottoms, a truly ugly Ugly Office Sweater might have elastic banding on the sleeves. If you find one of these beauties, guard it with your life!
Fair Isle: Like argyle, Fair Isle sweaters are another common type of Ugly Office Sweaters.
Fishermen: Similar to Donegal sweaters, Fisherman sweaters are neutral-colored Irish sweaters that also make great Ugly Office Sweaters.
Flannel: In the grunge-infested 1990s, flannel shirts were commonly used by office workers instead of a traditional Ugly Office Sweater. If grunge ever comes back, look for this option to follow.
Fleece: Fleece jackets, often acquired as company swag, are a common alternative to Ugly Office Sweaters.
Goodwill: Goodwill Industries’ thrift stores are an excellent place to find your own Ugly Office Sweater.
Hoodie: Zip-up hoodie sweaters are quickly becoming one of the most popular types of Ugly Office Sweaters, especially among younger office workers.
Inside-Out: Accidentally wearing your Ugly Office Sweater inside out is a real danger that workers need to be aware of. Sometimes Ugly Office Sweaters are just so plain and boring that it’s hard to tell what side is what. However, you’re sure to feel a little embarassed when someone notices your oversized sweater’s XXXXL tag.
Jackets: Ugly Office Sweaters are meant as an indoor jacket replacement. Instead of wearing a wet, bulky winter jacket, you can safely put it in a closet and slip on your Ugly Office Sweater.
Jeweled: Although Ugly Office Sweaters don’t need to be ugly, they often are. Many times, their ugliness is enhanced with some “fabulous” jeweled accents.
Knit: The classic Ugly Office Sweater is a simply, large knit cardigan. You can’t go wrong with the classics.
Layering: As women pile on more and more layers as part of their everyday outfit, Ugly Office Sweaters have had to get bigger and bigger to fit underneath. The other danger with layering is that some people may mistakenly think that your Ugly Office Sweater is a real layer, rather than an office convenience.
Long: The best Ugly Office Sweaters are big enough to fit over layers and long enough to warm a lap. However, it’s best to make sure that your Ugly Office Sweater isn’t longer than your skirt. That’s just wrong.
Mr. Rodgers: Casual, mens’ cardigans that look like those slipped on by the famous television icon.
Ned Flanders: Green sweaters, like those worn by The Simpsons character, usually worn over a collared shirt.
Old: The most authentic Ugly Office Sweaters are old, either inherited from co-workers or purchased at thrift stores.
Poncho: The more ethnically inclined may choose to use one of these patterned ponchos (or serapes) as their Ugly Office Sweater.
Quilted: Light nylon quilted jackets are another Ugly Office Sweater option, generally appealing more to athletic types.
Raglan Sleeves: These type of sleeves (think baseball shirts) are popular in athletic wear and in knitting because they’re easy to move in and easy to sew. If you have a homemade Ugly Office Sweater, it’s likely it has raglan sleeves.
Shawl Collar: This turned-over collar is a very popular feature of Ugly Office Sweaters, possibly because it’s commonly found on mens’ sweaters.
St. Vincent de Paul: Like Goodwill, these thrift stores are great sources of cheap Ugly Office Sweaters.
Sweater coats: Full length sweater coats are big and comfortable enough to make great Ugly Office Sweaters.
The Office: Pam, from the television show “The Office” is one of the few fictional characters that is realistically shown with an Ugly Office Sweater.
Ugly: Ugly Office Sweaters don’t actually need to be ugly, they can be plain, blah or, in some extreme cases, even a little cute.
Underneath: where your attractive outfits hides when wearing an Ugly Office Sweater
V-Neck: If your Ugly Office Sweater isn’t a cardigan, a v-neck sweater is probably the next best choice as it allows maximum exposure of your cute outfit underneath.
Windbreaker: Light windbreakers are often used as Ugly Office Sweaters, even if, like Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, your “office” is actually a football field.
XXXL: The larger your Ugly Office Sweater, the more cute layers you can fit underneath and still be comfortable.
Yarn: While yarn is the major component of knit Ugly Office Sweaters, we prefer the definition of a yarn as a story. Every Ugly Office Sweater has a great story, spin the yarn of yours.
Zip Up: Zip-up hoodies and sweaters provide the same “cute outfit visibility” as cardigans.

It looks like some people take those “take your child to work” days just a little too far… Also, this picture makes us wonder if there’s also an “ugly school sweater” subculture out there.

Reader “Edward” alerted us to this photograph of recently ousted Detroit Lions president and GM Matt Millen’s ugly sweater. While Millen’s sweater is ugly (indeed, even the photo caption points out that “This sweater was just the beginning of the bad memories of the Matt Millen era in Detroit.”) it’s not really an ugly office sweater. What we mean by that is that Matt Millen, God love him, actually showed up to the Detroit Lions complex wearing that monstrosity. A true ugly office sweater is a garment that stays at your desk and covers up an otherwise attractive (or at least acceptable) outfit. What we’ve got here, on the other hand, is a great example of the Bill Cosby sweater.

Bill Cosby sweaters are yet another highly-celebrated subset of your basic ugly sweater. In fact, there’s even a National Cosby Sweater Day, so mark your calendars for January 20, 2009. By the way, “Cosby” sweaters are actually super pricey duds from a company called Coogi. They’ll set you back just under $400.

So, we still want to see your ugly office sweaters. Submit your sweaters and stories today! Oh, and when do you think we should celebrate National Ugly Office Sweater Day? Let’s see some suggestions in the comments!